Brace Yourselves

brace yourselves cleanse diets
In addition to finding no edited or professional-quality photos here, you will also find no recommendations towards cleanse diets, detox programs, or anything purported to reset your body after it’s wanton self-destruction over the holidays. There are no liquid or smoothie regimens here, no raw foodism, no paleo/grain-free/dairy-free/nut-free/sugar-free buzzwords or half-assed forays into veganism.

Why?

Because it’s a pain in the ass, that’s why.

And because that stuff doesn’t work.

Just like Sassy magazine used to tell us about our vaginas, our bodies are basically self-cleaning machines. We don’t need to church them up or flush them out with lots of trendy ideas that happen to be most appealing after we’ve spent at least a month degrading ourselves (ahem, having fun and indulging in things that make us feel comforted and whole) as much as possible. Any diet that promises to cleanse or detox your body is FUCKING LYING, and simply another scheme to get you to starve yourself for reasons dreamed up by someone who is not a well-regarded nutritionist.

Cleansing your body with all-liquid plans or whatever laxative additive is trendy right now isn’t necessary and it can be damaging. Detoxing your body is just plain laughable, as it assumes that you are literally a walking toxic waste dump that will poison the air and water around you if you’re not careful. By all means, eat a little better after the holidays. More sensibly. After you finish off that container of half and half that you bought to make bread pudding over Christmas and have been using in your coffee in place of regular 2% milk, please, feel free, scale back a little bit and focus more on vegetables and lean proteins. That’s actual science.

But please, do not buy into what model-think TV or Internet personalities who got straight C’s in high school tell you what you should be putting into your body during this time of year. Do not listen to any bullshit fear-mongering pseudoscience dreamed up by a bored Pinterester (FoodBabe, I’m sneering at you). Eat what you know to be good. Use whole ingredients. Maybe don’t use as much cream, butter, or duck fat in everything. And go to the gym when you want to, not because everyone else and their mom is going and not even bothering to wipe their sweat off the elliptical machines.